Wednesday, November 3, 2010

On Being Blank

The past few months have been a challenge. I'm struggling to deal with the ups and downs of being a mother. I love my daughter more than anything, but I've been diagnosed with post-partum depression and I'm trying to deal as best as I can.

Although one in ten women suffers from post-partum depression, it's not really something that's discussed widely in the Arab world. Instead, I'm told to 'pray' through it. Seeing a therapist and taking medication is frowned upon because it insinuates that I'm crazy.

I've been seeing a therapist for 3 months now. I've adjusted the medication dose several times and it seems to be working.
But no medication lacks side effects unfortunately.

I'm zoned out, lethargic, and just plain numb.

I'm dealing with very low self esteem issues due to the fact that I'm unable to lose the pregnancy weight (side-effect of the sleeping pills).

I think the worst part is the fact that I believe I can't do anything right. I half-ass everything. Well, I guess the best way to clarify this is I just am not really good at doing anything really well. An example? I can cook, but I'm not the best cook. I can make movies, but I'm not the best at making movies. I'm a friend, but I'm not a best friend. I'm a mom, but I'm not the best mom.

I've been really hard on myself.

And I know it's unreasonable to think that I can be the best at anything, but I just feel like I don't have the patience or desire to even work on it.

Which makes it very difficult to be a mother to a beautiful 7 month old baby.

I can only look forward to things getting better. And even though it's very difficult for me to get up in the mornings I'm making the effort to take the baby steps. Today I spent a couple of hours just playing with my baby, and I updated my blog. Maybe tomorrow I'll take a shower.

Yeah. It's that bad.

1 comment:

Nitya said...

You may not think it's much, but you're the bestest Hend anyone could ever be!
Case in point:
You're the best person to drink lukewarm coffee and chain smoke with, and the best car singer of obscure 90s songs in the middle of the night on the way back from Savannah.
You're the best person to share bachelorette shisha with, and the best rapist at the Taj hotel!
So clearly, you are the bestest Hend anyone could ever be, and we love you for it!
Quod erat demonstratum.