Thursday, December 31, 2009

From All of Us -

Happy New Year

Monday, December 14, 2009

On Riding the Roller Coaster

To my unborn daughter,

I'm sorry.

You're only 25 weeks old and look what you've already been put through. If your time in my womb has taught you anything it should be that life is not all peachy.

I promise you I've been trying my best to make your time inside my body pleasant. But I don't know what's wrong with me. That knot I get from the stress and depression is all concentrated on where you are in my body.

I know I love you. I know that love will be multiplied by infinity once you're born. Look at how I love my Gucci & Bella - you won't even compare. So I'm sorry if it seems like there are times when you think I don't love you, that I don't want you.

Look at it this way: you're getting your first does of being a woman.

Growing you hasn't been the easiest thing I've done. There are so many things going on in my head I'm afraid you're already fucked up. The depression and insecurity are deafening. I feel completely alone even though I'm surrounded by nothing but love. I don't want any of it, and in the process I'm afraid I've just managed to make myself even more lonely, even though you're right here with me.

I truly am sorry.

You tried to come out two weeks ago. Was it because you thought you were ready? Or was it because of the grief I went through the week before when I almost left your father? I don't blame you if it's the latter, not very many people can handle that kind of pain. We made promises to be more careful, to be more loving and understanding, for our sakes and yours. Because we love you. But there are days like today when its inevitable. His unintentional selfishness and my uncontrollable depression cause me to do things like sit on a floor facing a corner and crying for hours. Then I get angry and drive through a city I don't know, listening to music and having very dark thoughts. Then you kick me - as if it's a reminder of your existence.

I am sorry.

I can't wait till you get here. So I can finally start feeling better and focus on taking the best care of you that I can. So I can show you how much I love you and prove to you that what's happening to me is the result of this monster I can't explain. I somehow believe that the postpartum depression so many women get after birth is what I'm going through right now.

I'm sorry.

I wish I could stop it and take it away so you can be content, happy, and stress free. Please stay in me for a few more weeks. Until both of us are strong enough to face life together.

I love you,


Thursday, December 10, 2009

On Being Obsessed

So for the past few days I've been kind of obsessed with Julia Child.
This of course is thanks to the movie Julie & Julia, which I love, love, loved.

I've been getting very little sleep lately. A friend of mine told me it's my body's way of getting ready for baby. It kind of makes sense cause I only get about 2 hours of sleep every few hours. Anyway, in today's morning haze I decided I was going to make one of Child's recipes I had come across here

So I drove my pregnant self to the grocery store this morning to pick up a couple of ingredients I was missing. And I got very tired after about, oh, 20 minutes of waddling. I was appalled to see how expensive cherries are (about $10 a pound). So yeah, fuck that. I ended up buying a frozen bag of mixed berries instead.

Its pretty. See?

I'm kind of a disaster when it comes to baking, especially dessert. For instance, I decided a tablespoon is actually a teaspoon of vanilla. And I forgot to sprinkle sugar on top of the berries, so I ended up sprinkling it on top of the whole thing. Ooopssiieess.

Anyway, I also kinda thought the mixture was too watery:

This is what it looked like half-way through, when I added the berries and the mixture:

It looks like maybe the batter isn't enough to cover the strawberries

Then again, I'm new at this whole making dessert thing.

Anyway, I'll let you know how it turns out.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

On Being Bored

Now that I'm starting to feel better I keep thinking I need to be doing something with my self.

Everyone's all "you gotta take care of that baby." And I will be doing just that once the baby's here.

I'm not used to being a lady of leisure. Although I'm technically still employed, let's face it, I'm a freaking house wife. Well, without the cooking, cleaning part (thank you bed rest).

I need to find a project. I've been working on imovie, but its getting old FAST. Plus, I'm gonna be running out of material pretty soon.

Suggestions are more than welcome.

Pretty soon my mother will be going home and I'll be left with these two to keep me company:

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

On Being Pregnant

No one tells you it’s going to be this hard.

Sure, you hear about the morning sickness.
You expect to gain a few pounds here and there.

But no one can fully prepare you for how difficult pregnancy can really be.

I’ve always wanted children. When I was a little girl I used to have dreams about being pregnant. The baby used to kick in the dreams. I’d wake up and walk around and pretend I was pregnant. Of course that stopped when I hit my teenage years. But still, every now and then I would search google images to see how women looked in different trimesters.

Then it all kicked me in the ass.

I found out I was pregnant and it took me by utter shock. I kind of always knew it’d be a surprise – but this? This was a REAL surprise. It changed everything. And DAMN all those gay, happy ‘I’m pregnant’ feelings? It’s not like that at all.

The first few days were spent going to the doctors’, buying baby books, and feeling like this is all gonna turn into an episode of MTV’s ‘16 and Pregnant’. Truth be told I thought it was just temporary, that one day I’d wake up and it’d all be a joke. But then it started to sink in. Wait. It’s more appropriate to say that nothing is ‘sinking in.’

To date I've gained more than 30 pounds, my boobs have gone from a 34 C to a 38 D, none of my clothes fit, my hair and nails are a DISASTER, and, due to all the complications I've had, I'm not allowed to "be intimate" with my husband.

Overall, being pregnant is FUN!

Case in point:

(*Nitya: I tried to tag bobo here too and it didn't work)

I know everyone says it's worth it in the end, but to be honest, sometimes it's impossible to focus on that.

Makes me wonder if I'd do it again.

I should watch what I SAY.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Scare

On November 28th I was admitted to the hospital with contractions. They were coming every 4 minutes.

I stayed in the hospital for 5 days and I'm thankful the doctors were able to stop the contractions and, at the same time, administer the meds needed for the baby to sustain life if it were to be born. But it would have been too early.

We're hanging in there (literally) as it seems this baby might come any day. The doctors seem to think its wishful thinking that I will carry full term. I am hoping we can make it till New Year's, as baby will be 28 weeks then.

The husband and I realized we never took any pictures together with the bump, so last night before we got into bed, we took a few pictures (just in case). The baby bump marks week 24.

Yes, I am fully aware of how huge I am for someone just about to start her third trimester.

Go ahead and make fun of my pajama pants. I'm on bedrest. I'm allowed to look like this.