From All of Us -

Happy New Year

On Riding the Roller Coaster

To my unborn daughter,

I'm sorry.

You're only 25 weeks old and look what you've already been put through. If your time in my womb has taught you anything it should be that life is not all peachy.

I promise you I've been trying my best to make your time inside my body pleasant. But I don't know what's wrong with me. That knot I get from the stress and depression is all concentrated on where you are in my body.

I know I love you. I know that love will be multiplied by infinity once you're born. Look at how I love my Gucci & Bella - you won't even compare. So I'm sorry if it seems like there are times when you think I don't love you, that I don't want you.

Look at it this way: you're getting your first does of being a woman.

Growing you hasn't been the easiest thing I've done. There are so many things going on in my head I'm afraid you're already fucked up. The depression and insecurity are deafening. I feel completely alone even though I'm surrounded by nothing but love. I don't want any of it, and in the process I'm afraid I've just managed to make myself even more lonely, even though you're right here with me.

I truly am sorry.

You tried to come out two weeks ago. Was it because you thought you were ready? Or was it because of the grief I went through the week before when I almost left your father? I don't blame you if it's the latter, not very many people can handle that kind of pain. We made promises to be more careful, to be more loving and understanding, for our sakes and yours. Because we love you. But there are days like today when its inevitable. His unintentional selfishness and my uncontrollable depression cause me to do things like sit on a floor facing a corner and crying for hours. Then I get angry and drive through a city I don't know, listening to music and having very dark thoughts. Then you kick me - as if it's a reminder of your existence.

I am sorry.

I can't wait till you get here. So I can finally start feeling better and focus on taking the best care of you that I can. So I can show you how much I love you and prove to you that what's happening to me is the result of this monster I can't explain. I somehow believe that the postpartum depression so many women get after birth is what I'm going through right now.

I'm sorry.

I wish I could stop it and take it away so you can be content, happy, and stress free. Please stay in me for a few more weeks. Until both of us are strong enough to face life together.

I love you,

Mama

On Being Obsessed

So for the past few days I've been kind of obsessed with Julia Child.
This of course is thanks to the movie Julie & Julia, which I love, love, loved.

I've been getting very little sleep lately. A friend of mine told me it's my body's way of getting ready for baby. It kind of makes sense cause I only get about 2 hours of sleep every few hours. Anyway, in today's morning haze I decided I was going to make one of Child's recipes I had come across here


So I drove my pregnant self to the grocery store this morning to pick up a couple of ingredients I was missing. And I got very tired after about, oh, 20 minutes of waddling. I was appalled to see how expensive cherries are (about $10 a pound). So yeah, fuck that. I ended up buying a frozen bag of mixed berries instead.

Its pretty. See?



I'm kind of a disaster when it comes to baking, especially dessert. For instance, I decided a tablespoon is actually a teaspoon of vanilla. And I forgot to sprinkle sugar on top of the berries, so I ended up sprinkling it on top of the whole thing. Ooopssiieess.

Anyway, I also kinda thought the mixture was too watery:




This is what it looked like half-way through, when I added the berries and the mixture:



It looks like maybe the batter isn't enough to cover the strawberries



Then again, I'm new at this whole making dessert thing.


Anyway, I'll let you know how it turns out.

On Being Bored

Now that I'm starting to feel better I keep thinking I need to be doing something with my self.

Everyone's all "you gotta take care of that baby." And I will be doing just that once the baby's here.

I'm not used to being a lady of leisure. Although I'm technically still employed, let's face it, I'm a freaking house wife. Well, without the cooking, cleaning part (thank you bed rest).

I need to find a project. I've been working on imovie, but its getting old FAST. Plus, I'm gonna be running out of material pretty soon.

Suggestions are more than welcome.

Pretty soon my mother will be going home and I'll be left with these two to keep me company:

On Being Pregnant

No one tells you it’s going to be this hard.

Sure, you hear about the morning sickness.
You expect to gain a few pounds here and there.

But no one can fully prepare you for how difficult pregnancy can really be.

I’ve always wanted children. When I was a little girl I used to have dreams about being pregnant. The baby used to kick in the dreams. I’d wake up and walk around and pretend I was pregnant. Of course that stopped when I hit my teenage years. But still, every now and then I would search google images to see how women looked in different trimesters.

Then it all kicked me in the ass.

I found out I was pregnant and it took me by utter shock. I kind of always knew it’d be a surprise – but this? This was a REAL surprise. It changed everything. And DAMN all those gay, happy ‘I’m pregnant’ feelings? It’s not like that at all.

The first few days were spent going to the doctors’, buying baby books, and feeling like this is all gonna turn into an episode of MTV’s ‘16 and Pregnant’. Truth be told I thought it was just temporary, that one day I’d wake up and it’d all be a joke. But then it started to sink in. Wait. It’s more appropriate to say that nothing is ‘sinking in.’

To date I've gained more than 30 pounds, my boobs have gone from a 34 C to a 38 D, none of my clothes fit, my hair and nails are a DISASTER, and, due to all the complications I've had, I'm not allowed to "be intimate" with my husband.

Overall, being pregnant is FUN!

Case in point:




OMFG I'm HUGE.
(*Nitya: I tried to tag bobo here too and it didn't work)

I know everyone says it's worth it in the end, but to be honest, sometimes it's impossible to focus on that.

Makes me wonder if I'd do it again.

I should watch what I SAY.

The Scare

On November 28th I was admitted to the hospital with contractions. They were coming every 4 minutes.

I stayed in the hospital for 5 days and I'm thankful the doctors were able to stop the contractions and, at the same time, administer the meds needed for the baby to sustain life if it were to be born. But it would have been too early.

We're hanging in there (literally) as it seems this baby might come any day. The doctors seem to think its wishful thinking that I will carry full term. I am hoping we can make it till New Year's, as baby will be 28 weeks then.

The husband and I realized we never took any pictures together with the bump, so last night before we got into bed, we took a few pictures (just in case). The baby bump marks week 24.



Yes, I am fully aware of how huge I am for someone just about to start her third trimester.








Go ahead and make fun of my pajama pants. I'm on bedrest. I'm allowed to look like this.

Grief

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

- Washington Irving

Déjà vu

Grey's Anatomy season 6, episode 4

Meredith's dad is my dad.

That scene where he's throwing up blood was my reality 3 years ago. Miraculously he survived. He stopped drinking for 9 months, and then started again.

I wonder if I were in the same situation, would I give him part of my liver?

My father isn't eligible for a transplant, and its not because he did this to himself. He's not eligible because he also has diabetes, and it's almost impossible to operate on him.

But I can't stop thinking about that night 3 years ago when we rushed him to the ER and they told me he wouldn't make it.

Would I have given him part of my liver if the option was there?

I don't know.

Finally

I have been waiting for today since January 25th, 2006.

Today is the day I move.

More on that when I settle in our new homeland.

Baby Bump Watch - Week 20

I swore I wouldn't do this, but I caved.

Introducing my half-way cooked baby:

Thinking

I miss the days when I used to write on a regular basis.

Those were the days when I used to spend hours drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and working on my short movies.
Those were also the days when I used to cook for my friends every single day, because I loved it.


It's hard to think it's been 4 years since I've been able to feel that content.

The past few months have been difficult. If you haven't already noticed, I've been a little busy making a little human being. My first trimester was HARD, complete with unbelievable morning sickness and an almost miscarriage. Things are much better these days.




I've taken an unpaid vacation from work for the rest of the calendar year, and am moving countries yet again at the end of this week. I'm looking forward to two months of sleeping in, cooking, and just being creative. I'm looking forward to getting my life ready for this unbelievable change that's going to come. I didn't plan the pregnancy, but now that baby oops is half-way cooked, life can't get any better.

It also doesn't hurt that I'm getting the fuck outta here.

This is what that feels like to me (in Houston, circa June 2009):

Ashton?

I’ve gotta give myself some props here. I held off on the rage for almost a month. Honest.

That last entry I wrote wasn’t fueled by rage. It was fueled by a different kind of passion I can’t describe.

But when you work with some of the idiots I work with, well, I don’t really know how to finish that sentence.


Let’s take ‘cheater’ as an example.

If you guessed that he cheats on his wife during work hours and goes on coffee dates at the SAME VENUE where we’re working on our events (while his wife is pregnant with baby # 2) then you’re a fucking genius.

This is a man who told an Italian woman, in her native language, during a business meeting that he’d like to take her to bed. It was his way of showing off that he’d been to Italy and knows a few broken phrases. Her horrified facial expression told me something was very wrong. She politely told him that it’s not appropriate to say that kind of thing, and that what he said to her in broken Italian is the equivalent of “vous le vous couche avec moi” in French. I guess he thought she was flirting with him cause he took her cell phone number, invited her out to parties, and told her he was single.

Of course I took the first opportunity to casually mention to her that he just welcomed a new baby girl. He denied it to her later.


Then there’s the assistant that has made me her new bff and will spend all day in my office chatting with me if I gave her the chance. I don’t mind the chatting so much, but it seems our friendship has taken a strange turn somewhere along the line.

You be the judge: Do you think it’s appropriate for her to tell me that her vagina’s too loose after having babies cause the doctors didn’t stitch her up well? And that she wants to get surgery to fix it cause her husband doesn’t enjoy sex, even though it doesn’t make a difference to her?

It’s moments like these that I wonder if I’m being punked.

Santos Dios!

I just like his name

You Know What?

I don't care that my ex-stalker found my blog (maybe?)

I know he found out I got married and went on an angry rant. I don't care that he said harsh things about me and about the people in my life. All I care about is that he stays the fuck away from us.

I don't think he found the blog. I just think he did a simple google search and found my twitter page, as well as my wedding website.

It's been 4 years and he just won't let it go. Even when the FBI, Austin Police Department, and my embassy got involved. I guess that's what happens when you truly believe God talks to you. I just want to erase all of that from my life. And no matter how hard I try I still have nightmares about him molesting me.

That feeling in the pit of my stomach - it makes me sick. He makes me sick.

But he won't take this away from me.

"Absurdity"

For the past hour I've been going through an interesting scenario in my head. I picture myself walking into my boss's office and telling him that I don't want to be here anymore and have decided to take all of my vacation days starting Sunday. That would be 2 months off, paid. I figure it's either that or I turn in my 30-day notice now.

I decided to take a break and read the newspaper.

Gemini:

You may be sensitive to the point of absurdity. Offer consolation, but don't give them any direction. Don't let your emotion interfere with your efficiency.

The only thing I understood from that was the first sentence.

I need a vacation.

Only One.

The company's health insurance policy:

The Morning After

This is what every couple should do the morning after they get married.






Shortly after he shot the video my husband asked me how the hell the kitten will get along with the dogs.

Just Married

I got married on Friday, April 17th 2009 at approximately 9 pm.

It was an emotional day for me. I spent the morning fighting with my soon-to-be- husband. I told him I didn't want us to make a mistake. The poor man had to put up with some serious crazy.




I got my hair done and rushed to get a manicure and pedicure. By the time I got back to the hotel the make-up artist had already started doing my mom's makeup. Then the water works stared. I cried for a good thirty minutes. It was a mixture of missing my family, cold feet, and the idea of something being so final. I also felt very alone.

Needless to say I was an hour late for the ceremony. The judge had been waiting over 45 minutes and all the paper work was done. The only thing missing was my father's signature. That's right. My father's signature, not mine. We arrived at the house and I immediately got pulled into a chair. I watched as my father signed the marriage contract and recited the vows with my husband. I watched them get me married.

I was in disbelief. The whole thing took less than 3 minutes. Next thing I know I'm being showered with congratulations.

I still don't believe it. People need to stop calling me Mrs.

Nothing changes. We still live in different countries. It won't feel final till after the wedding in October.

I'm sorry this post is weird. It kind of shows you what's going on in my head. All I can say with conviction is I married my best friend, and I love him.




I'll post pictures of Friday when I get them.

Hello Vertigo

I'm starting to get the feeling my body's trying to tell me something.

This morning I opened my eyes and was overwhelmed with the weirdest sensation. The room was spinning. I wasn't too concerned cause I figured it's another hypoglycemia attack, but when I checked my blood sugar levels the results were normal. I decided to give it some time but it didn't get any better. Stupidly enough I drove to work, and then my boss offered to drive me home and yelled at me for putting myself in a stupid/dangerous situation. Bless him.

Last week I had crazy food poisoning the day I got back from India. That was my 4th trip there and first case of viral diarrhea (sorry). A few days before I left to India I came down with a crazy 2-day flu.

So yeah, my body is indirectly telling me to change my life. I think.

I've been trying so hard to convince myself that this whole marriage thing isn't stressing me out. And I'm one of those people who believes the things they make up in their head - especially when it's a total lie. Isn't there a medical term for that? Did I just hear you say the crazies? That's what I thought.

Heather suggested I turn in my 30-day notice today. I have to admit how tempting it is. I just received my annual bonus, which means I don't have to worry about condo installments for 5 months. I figure I need to take a month of just doing nothing but lazing by a pool and reading and sleeping in and eating healthy and making cupcakes.

We'll see what happens.

Thinking

I am getting married in a little over 48 hours.

Let me repeat that. I am getting married in 2 days.

How do I feel?

To be honest I don't feel anything. I'm not sure what to expect so I just stopped thinking about it. I don't even have anything to wear. This woman I work with stared at me in disbelief when she heard that. "You're getting married in 3 days and you have nothing to wear?"

So what?

There are moments where I feel I'm being drenched in ice water. Because I'm supposed to be scared and freaking out and bla bla bla. But I'm not. The wedding's not till October 30th so I figure I can freak out then. But the beauty of it is that I won't freak out then either. Cause it'll be a big party where I get to wear a ridiculously huge dress and dance in it.

And I love this man I am going to marry.

He has become my best friend.

Yesterday I had a pretty bad work day. Long story short: this is a man's world and it sucks to be a woman (in the Middle East) working in it. In addition to that, I snuck off for a few minutes with my 2 secretaries to try on dresses for the abovementioned marriage, and one of the dresses fell to the floor and I stood there with nothing but lime green panties infront of the secretaries and the saleswoman. That was followed by a tiff with a local woman when I called her driver a worthless man with no respect for honking 17 times in my ear. Followed by a screaming match with my father about having his brother at the paper signing this weekend.

Naturally I'm not the most pleasant person to talk to when all this drama happens, but the man I'm marrying didn't care. He talked to me throughout the day, asked me to explain everything in detail for him, laughed when he was supposed to, and completely sided with me even when I was being unreasonable.

I love him.


These are the things that matter to me.

And even though this week has been pretty rough, and I'm kind of indifferent about the paper work this weekend, I am happy to know that there is someone out there who loves and supports the crazy that happens in my head every so often.

Insight

As strange as it sounds, a lot of my relationships have been redefined since last October.

Call it an epiphany, but I see people differently. Perhaps my friend Tanya is right: It's not that people change, they just become more of who they are.

Sometimes that just fucking sucks.

Wise Words

"Austin is the equivalent of curling up in a fetal position and getting away from everything..it will always be there for u."

Today's Read This-

One of the many reasons I love Koreans.

Today's Read This-

You just don't hear about these stories anymore

Today's Read This-

True Love